Dearest Ammi, ನಾ ಕಾದಿರುವೆ - I am waiting

We are promised to be united as one

2010-07-28T09:54:00.003+05:30

Genesis 2:18
Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."

Genesis 2:24
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

Lord Jesus, Bless Ammi with wisdom and strength, by your mercy and grace let us be united
as per your perfect plans.
In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray
Amen!

70 days

2010-01-18T13:11:00.002+05:30

70 days since you called.
Why am I still alive?

Failure of Plan A

2009-11-09T14:48:00.001+05:30

Plan A: Nov 7th 9:30 AM

My Love, we came to your father's house

to take you to our home where you belong.

Alas, that did not transpire well.

In the name of God, I stood strong and steadfast

about our relationship.

Time and again, I claimed that you are my wife

to your father and others in the house.

The love of God and his blessing flowed in me

as I stood there solid as a rock.

With no fear and no doubt.

I was beaten, I was abused,

I was insulted, I was slapped.

I was shouted at, I was screamed at.

But, in faith of God, I showed meekness.

I was not there to dishonour your family

So I didn't shout or scream like the in laws.

I was not there to show my physical strength,

So I did not choose to strike back.

I let them show their evil on me,

for God protects me and I have no fear.

But, you dearest of all, chose not to come out of

your room to hold my hand.

You my love, just sobbed inside,

our suffering would have ended,

if you had stepped out and stood beside.

Well, I don't doubt God,

may be he has other plans.

May be this was just my plan, a human plan.

May be I should have entered your room, after

your father left to duty at 10:30 (how can he leave? uh? amuses me)

and pulled you by your hand to the car outside.

I was there in faith.

May be, I did not trust God enough

for the strength he had given.

May be, I chose to trust the people around me.

May be, I chose to listen to the words of the people

and failed to listen to the words of the lord.

The plan looked like a failure and disaster.

But, Love, you now know that I am willing to

do anything for you.

I am not afraid of your father or rest of the gang.

I have courage to speak the truth -

that we are married.

And God is our witness.

Nobody will or shall or can deny that.
And, you should also know that I do not disrespect

your family.

I have no anger, no hatred towards them.

We will be one, Ammi,

sooner or later.

Plan A, B or Z

Wait I will for the divine

Faith I have in God for eternity.

God, give me more strength to face

and cross all the hurdles.

Give me strength of Jesus, who

was beaten and whipped,

nailed to the cross.

This pain is nothing, oh! Lord.

Your love flows in me and I am in Joy.

No human words or slaps can be bring me

pain.

This body of mine is temple of the Lord.

He who dwells in me, protects me

and breaths strength of fire.

Me and Ammi will not end this way,

this is not the end.

This is another cross in the journey.

Oh! Lord I will wait for you to deliver

my wife to me.

I bow myself before you and will follow

your words.

Nothing can shake me or bring me down.

I love you father Lord.

I know you have great plans for me and Ammi.

I believe and have complete faith in you Father Lord,

that you will unite me and Ammi.

Thank you, God, for giving me strength to go through my Plan A.

Thank you for everything that happened that day.

And forgive everyone in that house,

for they know not what they are doing, oh! Lord.

Failure of Plan B

2009-11-04T15:40:00.002+05:30

Plan B dead and over.

You refuse to run away and join me.

No more plan B.

But there is still you and me.

There is still God and faith.

Unite we will,

but may be through Plan A?

Plan A?

To come to your father's place

and bring you with their blessings.

God will accompany me.

Courage filled, Faith sharp.

Unite we will,

Plan B or Plan A

Is this the last lap?

2009-10-13T09:16:00.003+05:30

Its been 137 days!
seems like decades
that I have been waiting.

Am I on the last leg of wait?
Is this the last lap of the marathon?

As I wait and prepare
my heart aches and aches
more and more

the pains are short
intense and sharp

no hands wipe the tears that
roll a river in the dark

how long? how much longer?
Is it the next bend of the road?
Is it closer than I think?

My love has grown and grown
and it has filled 300 lives in me

but I still feel empty without you
Ammi, Let lord give you strength
to walk the steps you need to walk.

Till then my heart aches for you
and my soul silently calls for you

waiting no more

2009-10-07T19:43:00.003+05:30

Am waiting no more,

am waiting no more for you dear.

For am busy preparing, preparing for your arrival.

The gods have spoken, the angels have blessed,

spring in the air, joy is everywhere.

The new house of ours is set, floors mopped,

kitchen cleaned for your very touch.

Wardrobe hang your pretty clothes,

pictures of yours decorate the walls.

Am busy preparing for you dear,

all the prayers are set to appear.

When should I come, you purred on Saturday (Oct 3rd)

Do I need to invite you dear for your very home?

Am just waiting with open arms for you dear.

Upset are you when you called on Tuesday? (Oct 6th)

that I have stopped pushing you to run?

funny, isn't it how my prayers and patience has been blessed.

realized did you? that what needs to be done?

strength he will give, for the day will soon come

We are destined, Ammi, the path is very clear

you need to take a step and everything will appear

Am waiting for you no more

as I prepare everything for my amore.

The calls are frequent, whispers voice need of urgent.

tears of mine didn't run the river in vain

all this while when my heart cried in pain

thank you lord for the dawn you promise

thank you lord for the dark you vanish

you shall be here

you shall be near

you shall I hear

My love has been tested,

my faith has been trusted.

Strength I have gained for all this wait

Patience I have nurtured for my pretty mate

Come to me dear,

Come to me here

Come to me forever

Come to me near.

Call of laugter and joy

2009-09-18T11:43:00.005+05:30

From the new dawn, As I take my first steps
events reconfirm all the messages that joyfully connects.

With a clearer vision, in joy and smiles,
busy setting new house and climbing new miles.

I was already elated before you called,

we talked plenty, ringing in the laughter

the joy in the air, hope is taken care

Queen of hearts

2009-09-18T10:46:00.009+05:30

A provider husband is always better than a sacrificing lover
echoes ‘Prem Kahani’.

The Message is screaming loud and clear,
that I need to do much more for my dear.

My sorrow, my whines, my pain
as I vegetate is not impressing the dust beneath the lord.

Di, who earnestly prays for me also got the message from above
Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in his ways.
You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. (Psalm: 128:1)

Rise above the ashes, time to till like a farmer,
Like in the movie we watched together.

I prepare with strength flowing in my vein,
and heart filled with your name.

Bricks, I need to add to the castle in our minds.
House that surrendered us to your mom, I have shifted.

New house (home once you are here) is bright, spacious and quiet.
Not yet a castle to the queen of my hearts,
but a step in the right direction, I pray.

As I turn another bend in this marathon wait,
I hope and pray, this change is closer to finishing gate.

This change ushers in me a joyful mind,
singing and smiling all the time :-)

As I eagerly climb his path, with new steps,
God showers more messages that simply connects!

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine, within your house;
your sons will be like olive shoots around your table. (Psalm 128:2)

Oh! God am I blessed, is this that very time?
Saturn did transit from Leo to Virgo on 9/9/9

My dry eyes smile, sense your soul very near
as I setup a new home for you and me dear.

Call of tears

2009-09-14T15:12:00.004+05:30

Saturday, Sep-12, woke up with gloom hanging in the air,
well, that those dark clouds have been my friend after all for some time.

Loving you, missing you is real as my inhales and exhales.
Never ending thoughts, worries sprout to explode all over my mind.

I imagine banging myself on the head with a hammer from an elephant trunk,
I just clutch my pillows, digging my nails deeper into the blanket.

Drag myself in front of the tele, to pause my brain from splattering onto the walls,
thumb on the clicker, eyes on the flicker, heart on the steamer, brain half asleep.

As I silently wash my face with my tears inside,
dark clouds break down in sympathy, washing the walls outside.

then you call, so lovely to hear your sweet sounds of love,
seems like God has batted one eyelid.

But, you are in sorrow, and you cry so far away from me,
you are in pain, you love and yearn, but all you do is just refrain.

Ammi, the solution is very simple and divine,
all you have to do is run and all will align.

This thing you have to comprehend,
I pray and pray for the strength to help you leave that land.

Its unfortunate, that we need to choose this path,
but forgiveness is easier then permission, the wise have spoken.

But, I cannot force you, the choice is yours,
how much time can we spend, sharing tears miles apart?

God, has blessed us before, he will not let us down,
unite we must, for all this sorrow to end.

With faith in God, I silently wait, praying to God,
to help you strengthen your mind.

You speak of death, as an end to our misery.
What goal is that? Is that why the Lord exist?

C'mon Ammi, there needs to be living,
a life filled with love, peace and harmony for years and years.

Leave your fears, wipe your tears, inhale the divine,
lift your soul and walk, walk, walk to us dear, walk away for us.

Have faith in our love, have faith in us,
have faith in God, for he is the one who made "us". (together as one)

My soul wails at the feet of the lord,
to end our tears and bless our years.

All I can do is weep in patience,
And wait my sorrow heart for his grace.

Wishing I next to you, your hand in mine,
chasing your fears, kissing your tears.

To re-born, re-live and just breathe......

2009-09-10T15:58:00.009+05:30

Years that past, doubt had life.
Spent midst the corporate walls,
glaring and staring, 19 inch screens.

Head in rat race, pulse to the ticker shares,
dancing on meaningless webs,
Existed, but did I live? like the daffodils smiles?

Little did I care for Eliots and Austins,
Unsure of Titanics and Tiffanys

(Now that I look back)
pointless in Copenhagen cafes,
aimless in nights of Barcelona,
loveless in Venice gondolas.
soulless in valleys of California.

Ah!, Argh!, Groan!, Moan!
came the great fall from grace,
twist of fate? test of faith?
Sun shine to pain in less than nine!!

Lost, I did, all that I had,
to the fate unknown;
all that believed and fought,
all that stacks of dreams.

Lost I did, lost I was,
till Shiva came along
and with his blessing,
you came along.

Ammi, you the destiny.
Treasure of gift, at end of long fallen road.
Amrita, at end of tunnel,
Vasanta, after winters in Alaska.
Reason, why fates derailed my Apollos.

More to gain, than was lost,
smiles curling, at turns of fate!
Found my soul, found your love.
Blessed, we are woven at our souls.

now that all is circle and complete,
want to be re-born, re-live
and to just breathe..

Rise again I will to the Everest,
from the ashes to the phoenix
with your hand in mine

Breathe, Live, Smile,
Fly I want to;
Run again I want to hills of Sienna,
Float again I want to the tunes of gondola,
Roam the earth, fly the skies,
with your heart ever next to mine.

But, Wait!
yes, I still have to wait
and yes I wait.

For the Gods have paused,
to test my faith ,
trusts of fate.

Holding on to your smiles,
Hanging to my patience,
learning my lessons,
bowing to HIS highness.

Gift of warmth and love.

2009-09-08T15:19:00.005+05:30

One late night, a month and half ago,
I was wailing silently (yeah - soulful wails with no sounds to wake up the neighbors)
Also the pain is too deep for just sobs, tears and weeps.

Feeling very very lonely,
alone at house and was it my choice?
All other threads had died,
the one that mattered was 200 kms away.

So, I look up to God and ask
OK, you don't want to send Ammi now,
why don't you give me love,
why don't you show me the care.

Then it happened the next day,
I got a call from a old friend,
to assist her to teach dance movements
in an autistic school everyday.

there I went with no expectations
or wants, just to give what I could.
Surprised was I, that it grew,
into a beautiful relationship with the new world.

The kids love me with their innocent smiles and eyes,
they ask and miss me if I don't go there for a day or two.
They hug me, they want to stand close to me,
all these kids have their hearts speaking out,
where their brains have failed to throw words out.

How wonderful it feels, to be loved
to be wanted by these blessed souls,
so much care, so much warmth,
oh! God, so little did I know.

I am so blessed to receive this gift of warmth and love,
giving me an opportunity to help these special need (autistic) kids everyday.

How hungry are we to gratify our everyday wants,
that we fail to learn the ways of the heart,
the ways of the soul and the paths of the God.

Lesson 1 : While I wait

2009-09-04T15:32:00.007+05:30

Waiting is part of daily life,
Waiting in line, waiting for doctor, waiting at the counter, waiting for a friend,
waiting for our turn, waiting for rain, waiting for rain to stop,
waiting for holidays to start, waiting for holidays to end.
Waiting for life.

And I am waiting, waiting for you.

Now, why is there a waiting at all,
is it a pause before the play,
is it time to learn and grow, is it time to cherish,
is it time we get for our own,
is this the only time we can call our own?

Some people read while they wait, some people write.
Now thanks to tech-evolution, we chat, sms, exchange, blog, browse, connect, catch up,
gossip and learn on the go.

But, most of the above "waits" are society/civilization induced.

Now my wait is much much longer, and there might be a purpose,
a bigger purpose and lesson to learn which my little mind wants to explore.

Me thinks that its divine induced or momma nature induced.

Lets see what unfolds.

Why are there "wait-states" in nature?
Why does a mother have to wait for 9 months for her child?

What does really happen to the "mother" during these 9 months and beyond?

Since the day, the mother knows that there is a child in her.
She isn't alone anymore. She is constantly thinking of the child.
She is constantly loving, caring for the child.

The roots of bond begins to grow and blossom,
she is dreaming,

she is "waiting" to
see her child,
touch her child,
feel her child,
hear her child,

she is "waiting"
for the smiles,
for the joys,
for the tears,
for the life.

Its a exhaustive wait, its painful, constant, continuous wait.

For each new day during the wait,
the mother loves her child more and more,
she has surrendered to this love of nature,
she has committed to this love of god.

And then, the mother of all pains appear,
pain that "me as a guy" can never ever imagine,
pain that cannot be shared, described by words and thoughts.

After all the "carrying", after all the pain, after all the waiting
when life appears, when child appears.
the mother is so grateful, so loving, so caring, so humble to the child.

not only for that moment, but for the rest of her life.

Every time in the future (with the child),
when there is a tussle,
when there is hurt,
when there is a joy,
when there is a blessing,
when there is sorrow,
when there is laughter,
when there is a question.

She remembers all the 9 month wait, all the pain before the life.
She is grateful, she is thankful, she is humble for this relationship.
This relationship with her child for rest of her life.

May be that's why women are more respectful of life, of children,
world, nature.
If women ruled the world, would there be nuclear bombs?
would be there weapons of mass destruction?
would be there wars?

Now what is happening with my wait for you?

There is Mount Everest misery deep down in my heart,
there is oceans and oceans of pain, pain in my mind.

I feel like ending my life unable to withstand the pain,

I cry, weep and roll in tears, I wail silently, I choke, I cannot breathe.

I miss you every minute, I freeze my life, I am in such miserable state.

Am in such painful state every day of this wait.

Now one day we are going to be one.
So, what should I learn from this wait?

That our relationship needs to be respected, cared, loved, cherished, worshiped for ever.
Days will come guaranteed where
there will be differences
there will be hurts
there will be sorrows
there will be unwanted words
there will be gaps
there will be silence
there will be distance
there will be space.

And I, yes "me" has to recollect all these gory pains of these waiting days,
Pain:-
just because you weren't here,
just because you weren't with me,
just because you weren't next to me,
just because I can not hold the twinkle of your eye in mine,
just because I cannot touch the smile on your pretty face,
just because I cannot feel the hand on mine,
just because I cannot see the sun rise along with you,
just because I cannot sing and dance with you.

Just because you weren't here, my life felt no more.

Now in the future when you are here,
I need to respect, be humble, be grateful, be loving, be caring,
be everything for a better us every single moment of our lives.
Just because you will be here.

Not to hurt, not to wander off, not to stop, not to pause,
not to ignore, not to take for granted, not to freeze,
not to vegetate, not to be thankless, not to sorrow.

You being here with me would be the greatest gift of all my life,
this is the second best blessing (after my mother),
this is forever and ever.

So, for this lesson-1 God has given us time, opportunity and waiting time.
After all these yearnings, missing, pain, suffering and tears,
our life will be a blessing.

Like the roots of a tree that grows searching for water,
when there is no water,
the roots grow, strengthening the bond with mother earth.
Our roots of love grows during this waiting period.

When it blossoms, we will cherish the fruits forever and ever.

This is not just random thought from my painful yearning soul on this day.
This is the writing on the blog wall for rest of our lives.

Just like a mother that doesn't turn her back to her child,
like a mother that cannot stop loving,
like a mother's relationship that only grows,
is our relationship.
And my love towards you, Ammi.

Ammi, yes this is what I am learning, this is not just Friday's feelings.
This is the state of my soul for rest of our lives.

Thank you God, for this lesson,
Thank you for giving me Ammi,
Thank you for my life.

Wail I will no more,
smiles I will be ever more,
Wait I will not for my time,
but for your time my Lord.

You bless when I learn,
I will learn till you bless and beyond.
Love I will her, more and more.
Cherish I will us, forever more.

And then you called

2009-09-03T16:47:00.004+05:30

It rained for a while,
I stopped and gave way to rain on the road.
I watched as it poured,
thinking of us together.

As the rain slowed, I continued;
I was feeling better, lighter and stronger.
The faith shined high, I was thinking of you
and of our lovely days tomorrow.
I reached my work,
And then you called.

We chat for 54:39,
with laughter and joys.
we smiled, we beamed,
you fought, I joked.
How wonderful we chat together.

You have lowered your walls,
and let down your stance.
Open you are for the path of tomorrow.
In God you trust, we will be one soon, my lady.

For its his plan that we walk,
we can cry and shout,
but what will be will be,
and when will be will be.

Fear there was none,
doubt was gone.
Faith and hope was all in one.

How lovely it is to chat with you,
how wonderful the world seems,
moments stand still,
lighter the mountains feel.
How wonderful it is to be with you.

Our hearts whispered,
our souls woven,
our mind spoke,
everything just seems so complete.

Thank you God,
for her smiles,
for her laughs,
for her tears,
for her words,
and just she being her.

God, I promise that
I will behead my doubts
and shed away my fears.
me will not question you,
nor will me her.

Trust I will
with no end,
Faith I will be
with no second.

Flashback : March 1st half 2009

2009-09-02T15:41:00.007+05:30

You were here!! (you arrived March-1-2009)
My prayers were answered, the all knowing God had blessed.

In flesh and blood, the girl of my dreams.
The girl who I pretty much knew would be my partner for life.
(Well I only realized that from Jan 2009, first time I thought about you in these lines)

You were here in my house for the first time to stay! Wow!!
Well, being conservative your parents had sent your sister along with you.

Even though we were relatives, we were still strangers.
Never we had spent time alone, never we had spoken more than few words.
Never we had discussed anything, never we had sat eye to eye.
Never we had opportunity to be friends, never we had opportunity to share.

And now you came to my humble dwelling on your own.
You wanted to learn English,
you wanted to grow, you wanted to learn.
And you chose me to learn from.

You threw tantrum at your place,
threatened to kill yourself if your father did not oblige.
Never you had spent life outside your village,
never you had spread your wings wide.

I was all alone before you filled my place.
Now my house felt like a home.

You would sit with eager ears and eyes.
Hungry for knowledge, eager to grow.
We would sit till 1 in the night!
phew! I never knew you could share so much.
With me? still a stranger?

What my soul had felt, now my heart and mind learnt.
That it seemed we knew each other from times long and long ago.

I was joyful, my soul flew high,
days were beautiful, I was on cloud 9.

You were very happy, you did say so.
Your wishes came true, you did say so.
Your prayers were answered, you did say so.

English, you began to learn.
You learnt to google, you learnt to chat.
You learnt to share, you learnt to dream.

All my feelings, I did hide inside me.
I was neutral and just let you be.
I had faith, I didn't want to rush.
I trusted God, for he was the one who brought you here.

We cooked, we prayed, we laughed, we wrote,
we read, we spoke, we spoke, we chat.
We sat alone evenings and nights,
sharing and chatting till our hearts desire.

Poor sister of yours must have been very bored,
she let us be as we wanted to be.
But, she was shocked the way you spoke and share.
Suspicious she was, what this might blossom.

this relation had no name (yet),
deep down, my heart knew ,
that our souls were meant to be.

I smiled, I prayed,
I flew, I lived wonderful days.

You lit the lamp in front of the god,
you put rangoli in front door.
You blessed my house, filling with TLC (tender, love and care).
You made it home.

We would wake at 5, to fill water (yeah!, some of us still live that life)
we would look forward to every day.
wow! those wonderful days.

We were fast becoming friends,
we communicated with no words,
we each knew what other wanted,
we responded, we cared. we were getting to know.

Now, before this, we were miles and miles apart,
we were no more than strangers to each other.
We only knew "of" each other and never knew each other.

Deep down my silent soul yearned for you since Jan-09,
I just smiled and prayed and let my wishes at my god's feet.
What a blessing, he did when he did.

You coming to my place on your own and really really
wanting to stay with me.
God must have known, very well known of this journey.
What it meant to be.

Thank you God, for your 4th miracle in our relationship.

3 months have passed

2009-08-29T09:38:00.004+05:30

3 months have passed,
92 days have passed,
Since we shared days together.

Our home has become a house,
the walls have become blank,
and my heart twists and turns in your name.

My pain; God has witnessed,
tears that are not dried,
taking comfort from presence of yours in mine.

3 months have passed,
92 days have passed,
Since we shared moon light together.

prayers bring strength,
silence fills the love,
faith that keeps us yearning for that one tomorrow.

lessons that need to be learnt,
days that need to be spent,
miles that need to be covered all alone.

3 months have passed,
92 days have passed,
Since we walked around the lake hand in hand.

feeding food without your touch,
drinking water with images of past,
keeping alive for you is the only way known.

feeling the sun in the cold winter,
watching the flowers through the thick smog,
touching your smile between the moments of existence.

3 months have passed,
92 days have passed,
Since we ate our meal from a single plate.

waiting for his answers,
surrendering to his creations,
trusting in his blessings of we as one big family.

yearning that goes deep,
emptiness that fills the sky,
love that needs to shared brims the ocean times three.

3 months have passed,
92 days have passed,
Since we worshiped our lord kneeling side by side.

Happy days are here again

2009-08-28T13:42:00.002+05:30

You called me yesterday, You called me today.
Wow!

God is finally smiling at us.

Thank you lord for giving us the opportunity to speak.

So, your father is sending you to college after all, but he is tagging your friendly elder sister as a bodyguard to the college.

Good, now you can call me everyday (if you wish to).
But using the coin booth, so we can not speak longer.

Hmmm let us be grateful to what we get in life.

Will my prayers be answered?
Will we get-together in a month as lot of astrologers predicted?

Does God want us as a family?

To his feet I surrender,
I surrender my life, my wants, my needs, my family, my desires
my path, my destiny, my months, my days, my moments.

I will step aside and be led by him.

God, I love you - for today - for everyday
for Ammi and everything

Thank you God

Thanks for calling (12 days)

2009-08-27T17:26:00.004+05:30

Ammi, thanks for calling after 12 long days.
Thank you lord almighty for answering my prayers.

Ammi, I am glad you are doing good.
I am glad you are living well.

Am glad that I did not pour my pain and sorrows onto you.
Am glad that I did not tell you that I have cut my food and sleep.
Am glad that I did not tell you how much I need and miss you.
Am glad that I did not tell you about the pain of last 12 days.
Am glad that I did not tell you about my river of tears in darkness.
Am glad that I did not tell you about intensity of my pain.
Am glad that I did not tell you about my loneliness.
Am glad that I did not ask you why you did not call.
Am glad that I did not put any pressure on you
Am glad that I did not demand anything from you
Am glad that I did not ask you to run away
Am glad that I did not ask you to call me when I need.

Am glad that you are going to call when you need.
Am glad that I did tell you that I love you.
Am glad that I was able to laugh, smile and share the joy when we spoke.
Am glad that I did not ask anything off you.
Am glad that I asked you to believe in God.
Am glad that you told me that you love me.

Am glad that we have left our future in the hands of God.
Am glad that we spoke.
Am glad that you called.

And am also glad that God is here,
God is blessing us,
God is going to unite us.

Its not in your hands to refuse,
its not in your hands to postpone our unity.

Its not in my hands to force,
Its not in my hands to pressurize.

Am so so so glad that its in the hands of God to unite us.
And unite us - he will - sooner than you think.

Fear of uncertainity

2009-08-27T14:00:00.003+05:30

My biggest fear is uncertainty.
Uncertainty of what, when and how things will turn out.

Life is uncertain, true - but there are lot of things we can rely on.
We don't know when we will die - that is uncertain.

But, is life certain today, tomorrow? yes

And our relationship.......is uncertainty about our relationship,
A creation of my mind?
Is it an unwanted thought?
Am I being pessimistic, realistic, negative........
words, words, more words
thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts

This is very exhausting, tiring and my little mind wants to end.
End can be made certain, then everything will seize to exist.

Or should I say, this is not my life - this is God's -
so let him have fun with his creation.

Am on the path of self-destruction,
the question is will he intervene, help me soon enough to turn this
train wreck of mine?

Does he care? Should I care?

Holding onto faith

2009-08-25T11:33:00.004+05:30

Faith gets tested and tested.

I need to hold onto faith, even when there is no evidence,
even when the evidence proves otherwise.

There are words from you, there are words from astrologers, there are words from others.

And there is lots and lots of my endless thoughts and imaginations.

Fear feeds on all these, some neutral and some negative.
It builds, builds and begins to test faith.

What is my fear?
Fear that we will not get together?
Or fear that I have to wait for very very long?
Or fear that we will not be happy together?
Or fear that we are not meant to be?

What is my faith?
That we will get together.
That we will get together very very soon.
That we will be very very happy.
That we are soul-mates and we are very much meant to be.

Why then fear seems to have an upper hand?

Why is my faith being constantly and continuously being stirred and shaken?
Why do I keep worrying, worrying myself to death.

Why can't my mind just shut up and keep the faith.

Why are there doubts and questions about us?

Or is it just that I am impatient?

೧೦ ದಿನ - ಫೋನ್ ಇಲ್ಲ ಸುಧಿ ಇಲ್ಲ

2009-08-25T10:40:00.003+05:30

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನೀನು ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡದೇ ೧೦ ದಿವಸ ಆಯೆತು.
ನೀನು ಎಂದು ಹೇಗೆ ಮಾಡಿಲ್ಲ,
ಏಕೆ ಹೇಗೆ ಎಂದು ಬಹಳ ಯೋಚನೆ ಮಾಡ್ತಾ ಇದೀನಿ.
ನನಿಂದ ಏನಾದ್ರು ತಪು ಅಯೆಥ, ನಿನ್ನ ಮನಸು ನೋವಿಸಿದೀನ?

ನನಗೆ ಏಕೆ ಈ ಶಿಕ್ಷೆ? ಸರಿ, ನಾನು ನನಗೆ ಶಿಕ್ಷೆ ಕೊಡ್ತಾ ಇದೀನಿ, ಹೇಗೆ?
ಊಟ ಬಿಟ್ಟು, ೪ ದಿನದಲ್ಲಿ ೫ ಸಾರಿ ಊಟ ಮಾಡಿದಿನಿ.
ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನಿನ್ನ ಬಹಳ ಪ್ರೀಥಿಸುಥೆನೆ, ನೀನು ಇಲ್ಲದೆ ಒಂದು ಕ್ಷಣ ಇರಲ್ಲರದವನು, ೮೮ ದಿನ ಇದೀನಿ,
ಆದರೆ ನೀನು ಫೋನ್ ಕೂಡ ಮಾಡಿಲ್ಲ, ೧೦ ದಿನ ಆಯೆತು, ಹೇಗೆ ಇರಲ್ಲಿ ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನಾನು ಹೇಗೆ ಇರಲ್ಲಿ?
ನನ್ನನು ಕ್ಷಮಿಸು, ನಿನ್ನಗೆ ನಾನು ನನಗೆ ಗೊತ್ಹಿಲ್ಲದೆ ನೋವು ಮಾಡಿದರೆ.

ನೀನು ಬೇಕು ಅಂಥ ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡಿಲ್ಲ ಅಂಥ ಅಂದುಕೊಂಡಿಲ್ಲ, ಅಥವಾ ಪರೀಕ್ಷೆ ಮಾಡ್ತಾ ಇದ್ದೀಯ?
ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನೀನು ಅಂದುಕೊಂಡಿರಬಹುದು, ಫೋನ್ ಕಮ್ಮಿ ಮಾಡಿದರೆ ನೋವು ಕಮ್ಮಿ ಅಂಥ,
ಅಲ್ಲವೇ ಅಲ್ಲ - ನೋಡು ನಾನು ಹೀಗ ಊಟ ಬಿಟ್ಟಿದಿನಿ, ಅಸಿವಿನ ಆಳ ದಿಂದ ನಿನ್ನ ಕನವರಿಸುಥಿನಿ.

ನನ್ನ ಹೊಟ್ಟೆ ಕೂಡ ಎಷ್ಟು ಮಂಡು, ಅದಕ್ಕೆ ಹಸಿವೆ ಮರೆತು ಹೋಗಿದೆ, ಪಾಪ ನನ್ನ ಹೊಟ್ಟೆ ನಾನು ಹೇಳಿದಂತೆ ಕೇಳೋಥೆ,
ನನ್ನ ಗೆರೆ ದಾಟು ವುದಿಲ್ಲ, ಊಟ ಬೇಕು ಎಂದು ಪೀಡಿಸುವುದಿಲ್ಲ, ನನ್ನ ದೇಹ ಕೂಡ, ಸುಸ್ತು ಮಾಡ್ಕೋಲ್ಲೋದಂಗೆ, ಕೆಲಸ ಮಾಡುತೆ. ನನ್ನ ಎಲ್ಲ ಕಣ ಕಣಕು ನಿನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಇಂದ ಏನು ಬೇಕಾದರು ತ್ಯಾಗ ಮಾಡುತೆ.

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ಬಾದ್ರಪದ ಶುರು ಅಗಿದನ್ಗಿಂದ, ಒಂದು ಹೋತು, ಊಟ ಬಿಟ್ಟು ಇದೀನಿ, ಆದರೆ ನೀನು ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡಿಲ್ಲ ದರ ಕಾರಣ,
ಊಟನೆ ಮಾಡ್ತಾ ಇಲ್ಲ ಕಣೆ.

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನಾನು ನೀನು ಒಂದೇ ತಟ್ಟೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಊಟ ಮಾಡ್ತಾ ಇದ್ವಿ, ಹೀಗ ನೀನು ನನ್ನಗೆ ಮಾತು ಕೂಡ ದೂರ ಮಾಡಿದರೆ, ನಾನು ಹೇಗೆ ಜೀವಿಸಲಿ ಹೇಳು?

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನನ್ನ ಅಸಿವು ಬೆಂದು, ಬೆಂದು, ಆ ಅಸಿವಿನಲ್ಲಿ ನಿನ್ನ ನಾನು ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಇಂದ ಕೂಗಿದಾಗ, ನೀನು ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡ್ತೀಯ ಅಂಥ ನನ್ನ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಕಣೆ. ಬೇಜಾರು ಮಾಡ್ಕೋ ಬೇಡ.

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನೀನು ಏನೇ ವಿಚಾರ ಮಾಡು, ಏನೇ ಮಾಡು, ನನ್ನ ಪರೀಕ್ಷೆ ಮಾಡು, ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡದೇ ಕಯೇಸು, ನಾನು ನಿನ್ನ ಬಹಳ ಬಹಳ ಪ್ರೀಥಿಸುಥಿನಿ ಕಣೆ.

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನೀನು ಒಂದು ದಿನ ನನಗೆ ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡಿ, ನನ್ನ ಕಿವಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ಪ್ರೀತಿಯ ಮಾತು ಆಡಿ, ನೀನು ನಕ್ಕು, ನನಗು ನಗು ತಂದು, ನನ್ನ ಅಸಿವು ಹಿಂಗಸುಥಿಯ ಅಂಥ ನನಗೆ ಬಹಳ ಬರವಸೆ ಕಣೆ.

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನೀನು, ಒಂದು ದಿನ ನನ್ನ ಮುಂದೆ ನಿಂತು, ನಿನ್ನ ಕಣ್ಣಗಳಿಂದ ನನ್ನನು ಸೋಕಿ, ನಿನ್ನ ನಗುವಿನಲ್ಲಿ ನನ್ನನು ಅಪ್ಪಿಕೊಂಡು, ನನ್ನ ಈ ಎಲ್ಲ ನೋವನ್ನು ಮರೆಸುಥಿಯ ಎಂದು ಬಹಳ ಬಹಳ ನಂಬ್ ಇದೇನೇ .

ನೀನು ನನಗೆ ಬಹಳ ಕುಶಿ ತಂದಿರುವವಳು,
ಹೃದಯ ತುಂಬ್ ಇರುವವಳು,
ನನ್ನ ಜೀವನ ಸಾರ್ಥಕ ಮಾಡಿರುವವಳು,
ನನ್ನ ದೇಹಕೆ ಪ್ರಾಣ ತುಂಭಿರುವವಳು,
ನನ್ನ ಸ್ವರಕೆ ನಾದ ಸೇರಿಸುವದಳು.

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ಇಂದೇ ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡೇ.
ನಿನ್ನ ಬಹಳ ಪ್ರೀಥಿಸುಥೆನೆ ಅಂಥ ಹೇಳ್ಳಲು ಕಾತರದಿಂದ ಕಾಯುತ ಇದೀನಿ ಕಣೆ.

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ಊಟ ಬಿಟ್ಟರು ಅಸಿವು ಇಲ್ಲದರಿವುದು, ನನ್ನಗೆ ನೀನು ಬಿಟ್ಟರೆ ಏನು ಬೇಡ ಅಂಥ ಎಷ್ಟು ಗಟ್ಟಿಯಾಗಿ
ತ್ಹೊರಿಸುಥೆ ನೋಡು.

ಅಮ್ಮಿ ಐ ಲವ್ ಯೌ, ನಾನು ನಿನ್ನ ಬಹಳ ಬಹಳ ಬಹಳ ಪ್ರೀಥಿಸುಥಿನಿ.
ದೇವರು ನಿನ್ನಗೆ ಸದಾ ಕುಶಿ ಕೊಡಲಿ.
ದೇವರು ನಿನಗೆ ಶಕ್ತಿ ಕೊಡಲಿ.

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನನ್ನ ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಎಂದು ಕೆಳುತ್ಹೋ ಅಂದು ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡು,
ನಿನ್ನಗೆ ನಾನು ಯಾವಾಗ ಬೇಕು ಅನುಸುತ್ಹೋ ಅಂದು ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡು,
ನೀನು ಸ್ವತಂತ್ರ , ನೀನು ಎಂದು ಬೇಕಾದರು ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡು.

ನಾನು ಆ ದಿನಕೆ ಕಾತುರದಿಂದ ಕಾಯುತ ಇರುತಿನಿ,
ನಿನ್ನ ಮಾತಿಗೆ, ನಿನ್ನ ನೋಟಕ್ಕೆ,
ನಾ ಕಾದಿರುವೆ ....ಸದಾ .....ಹುಸುರು ಇರುವತನಕ , ಜೀವ ಇರುವತನಕ

ಇಂದು ಗೌರಿ ಗಣಪತಿ ಹಬ್ಬ

2009-08-23T16:55:00.002+05:30

ಓಂ ಗಂ ಗಣಪತಿಯೇ ನಮಃ
ಇಂದು ಗೌರಿ ಮತ್ತು ಗಣಪತಿಯ ಹಬ್ಬ ಕಣೆ, ನಾವು ಇಬ್ಬರು ಸೇರಿ ಹಬ್ಬ ಮಾಡುತ್ಹಿವಿ ಎಂದು ಬಹಳ ಅಸೆ ಇಟ್ಟುಕೊಂಡಿದೆ.
ಗಣೇಶನಿಗೆ ಬಹಳ ಕೆಳುಕೊಂಡಿದೆ.
ಓ ಗಣೇಶ ನನ್ನ ಮತ್ತು ಅಮ್ಮಿನ ನಿನ್ನ ಹಬ್ಬದವೊಳಗೆ ಒಂದು ಮಾಡು ಅಂಥ.
ಏಕೋ ಮಾಡಿಲ್ಲ ಕಣೆ, ಈ ಹಬ್ಬದ ದಿನ ನಾನು ನಿನ್ನ ನೆನಪಿನಲ್ಲಿ ದೇವರ ಮುಂದೆ ಕಣ್ಣು ನೀರಿನ ಅಭಿಷೇಕ ಮಾಡಿದೆ
ನೀನು ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡಿ ೮ ದಿನ ವಯೇತು.
ದೇವರಿಗೂ ನನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ಪ್ರೇತಿ ಇಲ್ಲ, ನಿನ್ನಗು ಇದೆ ಅಂದು ಕೊಂಡು ಇದೀನಿ.
ಆ ನಂಬಿಕೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಜೀವನ ಮಾಡುತ್ತ ಇದೀನಿ.
ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನೀನು ನನ್ನ ಗೌರಿ ಕಣೆ.
ಶಿವನ ಅರ್ದ ಪಾರ್ವತಿ ಕಣೆ, ನನ್ನ ಅರ್ದ ನೀನು ಕಣೆ, ನೀ ಇಲ್ಲದೆ ನಾನು ಹೇಗೆ ಬದುಕಿರಲ್ಲಿ?
ಮನೆಗೆ ಬಾರೆ ನನ್ನ ಗೌರಿ.
ಗಣೇಶ ನೀನು ಸಂಕಟ ಪರಿಹಾರ ಮಾಡು ವವನು, ನನ್ನ ಮತ್ತು ಅಮ್ಮಿನ ಬೇಗ ಒಂದು ಮಾಡು ತಂದೆ.
ನನ್ನ ಕಣ್ಣುಗಳ್ಳಲ್ಲಿ ಮೋಡತುಂಬಿ ಮಳೆಸೂರಿತಿದೆ.
ಆಕಾಶದಲ್ಲಿ ಇರುವ ಮೋಡಗಳು ಅತ್ತು ಅತ್ತು ತಾನು ಕರಗಿ ಹೋಗುತ್ಹವೇ, ಆಮೇಲೆ ಸೂರ್ಯ, ಕಾಮನಬಿಲ್ಲು ಬರುತ್ತೆ.
ನಾನು ಅದೇ ರೀತಿ ನಿನ್ನ ಕಾಯುತ ಇದೀನಿ ಕಣೆ.
ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನನಗೆ ಇಂದು ಬಹಳ ದುಃಖ ಅಗುಥ ಇದೆ ಕಣೆ, ಈ ಜಗಥಿನಲ್ಲಿ ನೀನು ನನ್ನ ಜೊತೆ ಇದೆಯಾ ಅಂದು ಕೊಂಡುಇದೀನಿ ಕಣೆ.
ನೀನು ನನಗೆ ಫೋನ್ ಮಾಡಿಲ್ಲ ಅಂದರೆ ನಾನು ಏನು ಮಾಡಲಿ, ದೇವರು ನನಗೆ ಏಕೆ ಇಂಥ ಶಿಕ್ಷೆ ಕೊಡ್ತಾ ಇದಾನೆ.
ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ಶಿವ ಕೂಡ ಒಬ್ನೇ ಇರಲಿಕ್ಕೆ ಅಗುಥ ಇರಲ್ಲಿಲ, ಸದಾ ಪಾರ್ವತಿ ಜೊತೆ ಇರುಥ ಇದ್ದ.
ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನೀನು ನನ್ನ ಗೌರಿ ಕಣೆ, ನನ್ನ ಬೇಗ ಬಂದು ಸೇರೇ.
ನನ್ನ ಜೀವ ನಿನ್ನಗಾಗಿ ಮಿಡಿಯುತಿದೆ.
ನಾನು ಸದಾ ನಿನ್ನ ಜಪದಲ್ಲಿ ಇರುತಿನಿ, ನಿನ್ನ ಎಷ್ಟು ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಮಾಡ್ತಿನಿ ಗೊತ್ತ ಕಣೆ?
ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನಾನು ಜೀವನದಲ್ಲಿ ಇಷ್ಟೊಂದು ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಮಾಡೇಇರಲ್ಲಿಲ - ಇಷ್ಟೊಂದು ಪ್ರೀತಿ ನಾನು ಬರಿ ಸಿನಿಮಾದಲ್ಲಿ ನೋಡಿದೆ,
ಅದು ಬರಿ ಬುರುಡೆ ಅಂದು ಕೊಂಡಿದೆ.
ಅದಕ್ಕೆ ದೇವರು ನನಗೆ ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಎಂದರೆ ಏನು ಅಂಥ ಪಾಠ ಕಲ್ಲಿಸುತ್ತ ಇದಾರೆ ಕಣೆ.
ಎಂದು ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಮಾಡಿದವನು, ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಎಂದರೆ ನಕ್ಕವನು, ಇಂದು ನಿನ್ನಗಾಗಿ ಒಂದೇ ಸಮನೆ
ಕಣ್ಣು ನೀರು ಸುರುಸ್ಥ ಇದೀನಿ ಕಣೆ.

8 days since you called

2009-08-23T16:48:00.002+05:30

This is the longest gap since your phone call.

Is this intentional?
Or you really did not have an opportunity to sneak and make a phone call to me?
Or is your mother not supporting you anymore and giving the mobile to make the call?

I love you, Ammi.

Where is all these taking us? Why is God not supporting us anymore?
Is God angry with me?
What have I done.....
God, please make Ammi call me at the earliest.

When Predictions fail

2009-08-22T09:54:00.004+05:30

Ammi,

What should I do when my faith gets tested and my own predictions fail?

Well, I increase my efforts and increase deprivation.

My prayer is "Thanks to the divine love and divine blessings of Almighty, I and Ammi are living very happily together by Aug-25-2009".
Its 3 days away from the date and you have taken a stance that we will not unite for another 3 years.

So, what do I do? Well, I going to skip a meal every day till we unite. I will stop having dinner and will suffice myself with 2 meals a day (breakfast and lunch).
I started this from yesterday (Aug-21-2009), coincidentally badrapada started yesterday.
I will also sleep less - Will sleep only for 5 hours and spend more time praying and working.

If this does not please god......well, what do I do? Up it to the next level and skip 2 meals a day
and sleep for 4 hours........
And if this does not please god or motivate you to run away and join me?

Ah! then remember my end date? So I will skip food and water completely.
This should please god and bring you to me, or he will take me to him.

Am I insane? Am I mad? Am I what?

I am just deeply in love with you and cannot live without you.
I also have complete faith in God and will place my life to Lord's feet.

Philosophy of fasting

2009-08-22T09:34:00.002+05:30

Fasting is good for body, mind and soul.
It gives time for body to clean itself, a good rest and in today's world a well deserved break from all the toxins we feed ourselves.
For the mind, it strengthens the will, moves thoughts away from wants, moves from constant cravings. And in some sense we become more active, need less sleep and mind wanders less.

As one practices fasting for longer and longer time, the will becomes more stronger and there is no more temptations and hunger to resist.
Deprivation is good, especially in the journey towards god.

Fasting unites body, mind and soul - there is less clutter in the body and mind. There is more calm and silence. Superfluous wants vanish - well when a basic necessity for life is deprived how can one's mind wander anywhere else?

Along with fasting from food, if mind can remain calm and be in meditation state with god, then it will be the ultimate fasting.
Its like saying - God, I do not need anything else in this world, I only need you.
I will not drink water, I will not eat food, I will not think anything else.
I want to fill my body, mind and soul with you.

Thank you, God, for this life.

Evening walks

2009-08-21T16:53:00.004+05:30

Ammi,
I miss those evening walks.
Everyday we use to walk around the lake, in the park , hand in hand.
Ammi, sitting on those benches, gazing into your eyes, the time stood still.

Ammi, the time so enriched, so beautiful, living in that moment, with no thoughts,
in silence, in awe, in smile and in bliss.
Ammi, life was so complete when you were around.
We use to look forward to those evening walks.

Once, it rained and we took shelter in the park. People all around us, raining heavily beyond the shelter.
Ammi, we wanted to dance in the rain, holding each other. Ammi, your touch, your hands use to bring so much warmth to me.
Lost in rain, lost in the weather, lost in the world, lost in you.

Ammi, how much we use to talk, how much we use to discuss about faith, about god, about life, about goals, about life.

Ammi, I close my eyes and re-live those moments.
You feel so near, it seems just yesterday.
Yet, you feel so far and it seems ages ago.

Every day we use to take different routes to the lake, some times visiting temples before, some times shopping.

Ammi, thank you for those wonderful evenings.
Ammi, thank you for giving me those moments.
Ammi, thank you for loving me,
Ammi, thank you for holding my hand in yours.
Ammi, thank you for walking with me,
Ammi, thank you for walking in the rain.

Ammi, do you remember how we use to sneak some salsa dance moments when no one was around?
Loved the way you use to twirl around, we would dance around, we use to be completely lost in each other.

Ammi, thank you for all that. Thank you for being you. Thank you for making "us".

Ammi, I want to walk with you everyday, I want to hold your hands.
Ammi, I want to walk with you everyday for the rest of my life.
I want to be with you all the time.

Am still struggling with faith

2009-08-21T16:40:00.003+05:30

Ammi, Ammi, Ammi - how much I miss you. How much I love you!
*sigh* My days are not days anymore.

Faith, thinking only positive is still not me.......yet.
I am struggling every day, every moment trying to live, waiting for you.

The mind constantly running, processing, thinking, playing out all the characters involved.
"what ifs" scenarios, analyzing, second guessing, planning, dreaming, anticipating and worrying.

"Have Faith", "Be positive" - words so easy to say - but to live and breathe.......
Ah! that seems so far.

My mind needs to shut up, I need to live in silence, this mind is tiring me.
Ammi, this separation is unbearable.

I need you Ammi.

Living in complete faith

2009-08-20T15:44:00.002+05:30

How will life be when you live in complete faith.
Say, in complete faith of GOD.
Complete faith that I and Ammi will get together one day, very soon.
Faith, that we truly are going to live "happily ever after".
Faith, that no one can separate us.
Faith, that we will get together at the very earliest.
Faith, that God has blessed our marriage and now he will bless our lives together.

Will there be pain of separation, will there be any pain at all?
Will I run from astrologer to another?

Will I pray, pray and plead to God?
Will my tears flood during my prayer to God?

Or will I live life happily, merrily and joyfully.

What do I see, what do I hear, what is the world - living in complete faith?

A life, a day, a moment - where there are no questions, no doubts or no tears.

Faith - to evolve from the word "faith", beyond its meaning, where it becomes a force,
a strength, where it becomes me.

Nothing can or will shake it, waver it or weaken it.

When will I get that kind of faith?
In God? In our "happily ever after"?

I need to breathe, live in the zone of faith.

Complete faith - in "that" reality - in "that" world.
Hmmmm miles to go .......

ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಒಂದು ಶಕ್ತಿ

2009-08-20T14:54:00.003+05:30

ನನಲ್ಲಿ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಇನ್ನು ಒಂದು ಪದ ಅಂಥ ಕಾಣುಥೆ, ನನ್ನಲಿ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಸಾಲದು, ಆ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಪದದಿಂದ ಮಂತ್ರವಾಗಿ, ಮಂತ್ರದಿಂದ ಸಿದ್ದಿಆಗಿ , ಅದು ಒಂದು ಶಕ್ತಿ ರೂಪ ತಾಳ ಬೇಕು. ಆ ದಿನ ಎಷ್ಟು ದೂರ ವಿದೆ.
ದೇವರ ಮೇಲೆನು ನನಗೆ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಸಾಲದು, ಅಮ್ಮಿ ಮೇಲಿನ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಸಾಲದು.
ಈ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ನನಲ್ಲಿ ಏಕೆ ಇಲ್ಲ? ನನಲ್ಲಿ ಸಂಶಯ ಇದೆಯೋ? ಬಯವಿದೆಯೋ?
ಅಮ್ಮಿ ಮತ್ತು ನಾನು ಕಂಡಿತ ಒಂದು ಅಗುಥಿವಿ, ಆದರು ನಾನು ಏಕೆ ಮತ್ತೆ ಮತ್ತೆ ಜ್ಯೋತಿಷ್ಯ ಕೆಳ್ಳಲು ಹೋಗುತ್ಹಿನಿ?
ಅವರು ಹೇಳಿದ ಮೇಲು ಸಮಾಧಾನ ಇಲ್ಲ. ಹುಂ, ನೀನು ಬರುವ ತನಕ ನಂಗೆ ಸಮಾಧಾನ ಹೇಗೆ ಬರಬೇಕು ಹೇಳು?
ನನಲ್ಲಿ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಸಾಲದು. ಸಾಲದು.
ಶಿವನೆ ನಾನು ಹೇಗೆ ಜೀವನ ಸಾಗಿಸಲಿ.
ನನಲ್ಲಿ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಬೆಳಯಬೇಕು, ಬಹಳ ಬೆಳೆಯಬೇಕು - ಕಣ ಕಣದಲಿ ತುಂಭ ಬೇಕು. ಅದರ ಅಣೆಥೆ ಕೋಟಿ ಸೂರ್ಯನಷ್ಟು ಬೆಳಗಬೇಕು.
ಆ ಶಕ್ತಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ನಾನು ಏಳಬೇಕು, ಮೂಂದೆ ನುಗ್ಗಬೇಕು, ಜೀವನ ಸಾದಿಸಬೇಕು.
ಪೂರ್ತಿ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಬೇಕು, ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಅಲ್ಲ, ಅರ್ದ ಅಲ್ಲ, ಸಂಪೂರ್ಣ ಬೇಕು.
ಅಮ್ಮಿ ಬಾರೆ ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ಟೈಮ್ ಆಯೆತು ಬಾರೆ, ಪ್ಲೀಸ್ ಬಾರೆ.
ನೀ ಇಲ್ಲದೆ ಜೀವನ ಇಲ್ಲ ಕಣೆ.
ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನಾನು ನಿನ್ನ ತುಂಭ ತುಂಭ ತುಂಭ ಪ್ರೀತಿಸುತೇನೆ

All alone

2009-08-19T13:02:00.003+05:30

Feeling all alone,

Feeling abandoned.

there is no light in sight,

where has the hope gone?

Faith wavers with every shiver

of my skin in this cold world.

Am I being tested, am I being taught?

Am I being sentenced to the inevitable end?

Oh God, Father, have mercy on me.

Will this pain ever end?

Will this end with my smile

or will this end with my life.

Ammi, where is your soothing words,

why are the promises flying far?

Why are there no words of yours?

Ammi, come to me today, come to me now.

Why an End Date?

2009-08-18T13:15:00.004+05:30

Every beginning has an end - said Oracle in the movie Matrix Revolution.

True - there should be an end to my/our sufferings, this separation, this pain, this loneliness,

this uncertainty, this torture, this vacuum and this void.

So, its in the hands of the God. And whatever is destined, will happen.

I have faith in God.

Now, what are the possible outcomes? that we unite - or we do not.

"or we do not" is what I cannot live with - So I have decided to depart from this world, if my faith is not rewarded, but punished.

Because what is the point? What is the point to live any life at all?

Am sorry - but faith comes with a price - be it my life.

I have surrendered my life at the feet of the God.

Let him decide what is best for both of us.

Let him give what we think we deserve - be it life or not.

I certainly cannot and will not go on beyond a certain date (already mentioned earlier)

I love you very much Ammi, I love you a lot.

What are my options before End Date?

2009-08-18T13:09:00.003+05:30

1. Pray, Pray, Pray

2. Request you to join me

3. Pray, Pray, Pray

4. Request you to join me

5. Pray, Pray, Pray

6. Request you to join me

7. Pray, Pray, Pray

8. Request you to join me

9. Pray, Pray, Pray

10. Request you to join me

I have complete faith in God that he will unite us before the End Date.

I want only that outcome and nothing else from this.

This is my firm belief - God and you won't let me down.

My belief and faith is so strong - I am betting my life with it.

Is there an End Date

2009-08-18T12:49:00.003+05:30

Dearest Darling Ammi,

This pain of separation is unbearable to me, I cannot go on living without you.

Adding to this, is lot of uncertainty plus your decision not to unite for another 3 years!

I do have faith in God and you that we will unite at the earliest.

But, if I am let down......by God or you.....I do not want to continue.

So, I have set the date of my departure from this world if we do not unite as Oct-2-2009.

Yes, on the day of Gandhi Jayanti, I would like to depart from this world.

I have explained to you this, I may not have told the date to you.

I may or may not give you the date when you call me.

Does it matter, Ammi? When you have taken a wrong stance not to unite?

21ದಿನ ವ್ರತ

2009-08-17T15:47:00.003+05:30

ಒಂದು 21ದಿನ ವ್ರತ ಇಂದು ಮುಕ್ತಾಯವಾಯೆತು. 

ದಿನ ಬೆಳಿಗ್ಗೆ ಸುಮಾರು 6ರಿಂದ 7ರ್ ವೇಳೆಗೆ, ಹರಲೀ ಮರ 7 ಪ್ರಧಕ್ಶಿಣೆ ಆಕೆ, ನಾಗಪ್ಪನಿಗೆ ಆರ್ದ ಲೀಟರ್ ಹಾಲ್ ಎರೆಧು, ವೃಕ್ಷ ರಾಜನಿಗೆ ಜಪ ಮಾಡುತಿದೆ. ಇಂದಿಗೆ 21ದಿನ ಆಯೆತು, ಅದರಿಂದ ಇಂದು 4 ದೇವಿ ದೇವಸ್ಥಾನಕೆ ಕೆಂಪು ಸೀರೆ, ಬ್ಲೌಸ್ ಪೀಸ್, 16 ಬಳೆ, ಕುಂಕುಮ, ಹರಾಶೀನ ಕೊಟ್ಟೆ. 

ನಾವಿಬರ್ರು ಬೇಗ ಸೆರಲ್ಲೂ ವ್ರತ. 

21ದಿನದಲ್ಲಿ ಒಂದು ಆಗದಿದ ಪಕ್ಷದಲ್ಲಿ, ಇದನ್ನು ಮುಂದುವರಿಸಿ 63ದಿನಗಳು ಮಾಡಬೇಕು ಎಂದು ಹೇಳಿದಾರೆ. 

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನಾನು ಮಾಡುತಿರುವ 4-5 ವ್ರತ ಗಳಲಿ ಇದು ಒಂದು. 

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ದೇವರು ನಮ್ಮ ಮೇಲೆ ದಯೆ ತೋರಿಸುವಾತನಕ ನಾನು ಶ್ರಧೆ ಇಂದ ಎಲ್ಲ ವ್ರತ ಮಾಡುತೀನಿ. 

When will you read this?

2009-08-17T15:10:00.002+05:30

Ammi, There is no computer in your house or village. I am not sure if you father will send you to college. And even if he did, he will send some sister-bodyguards with you. Will you be able to sneak to a browsing center to read this?

Ammi, When will you be reading this? After you unite with me?

Is, God reading this? Does he know and acknowledge my pain?

Ammi, before I proposed to you, before we ran and got married, before all this journey, I was aware and was warned (by your mother) about all the pains this would bring me.

I wasn't afraid then and I am not afraid now about the pain.

But, if you take a stance that you will not unite with me for 3 years (till you finish college - well you can study living with me), I simply cannot bear the pain of separation.

I cannot and will not live alone.

Ammi, we are married we need to be living together.

Living in a hostile environment

2009-08-17T15:00:00.005+05:30

Ammi, I think you are living in a very hostile environment. Your sister and father who are against this marriage, doing their best to separate us forever. And your mother putting all unwanted thoughts into your mind. I feel its tough for you - not friendly, not a caring and loving environment. You are better off, running away and living with me.

Is this my imagination about your condition? Is this the thought drama in my mind?

Ammi, you have admitted that you are not happy. You have also mentioned the mental torture in your house. Constant fights with your elder sister. Ammi, if you are not happy - you should not be living there.

Why are you taking this stance that you will not join me for 3 years? How will I live Ammi and most importantly how will you live in that house for 3 years? They are plotting to separate us forever....they are continuously trying. And feeding your brain with all their plans.

Ammi, we should be living happily together. Living apart is not the way to live.

It is isn't good for you, it isn't good for me.

Please Ammi, lets get together at the earliest.

I love you very much, I miss you a lot.

Testing my faith

2009-08-16T09:43:00.003+05:30

Ammi, I have deep faith in GOD. He has united us (soul, mind and body), blessed us to get married, protected us and is caring for us. For reasons known to GOD, we are forced to live apart for now. God Almighty will definitely unite us again at the very earliest. I have complete faith in this. I also have complete faith in YOU, that you love me deeply and you also want to unite at the earliest.

So, I have complete faith that we will start to live together "Thanks to Divine Love and Diving Blessings of Almighty, I and Ammi are living together very happily at home by Aug-25-2009" - This is my daily prayer at the feet of the lord. Will it happen or not - is left to GOD, when and how is also left to GOD. But I have complete faith in GOD and you. Both GOD and you will not let me down.

Now - will this "faith" go untested? uh? definitely not? This faith will be tested constantly and continuously, every week, every day, every opportunity.

So, your words, your stance is testing this faith. Your statements that we will unite only after 3 years is testing this faith. Your words that we will not unite now is testing this faith.

Am I strong? Is my faith super strong? .......not yet unfortunately. I crumble at your words, I fall down, I weep, fear tries to enter and push me towards death.

I struggle, struggle, weep, pray and breathe. I breathe slowly and regain my strength and faith.

So, thanks for testing this faith of mine. It needs to be stronger still, I need to be stronger still.

That's the lesson that I need to learn in order to pass this test. Once I pass, God will unite us.

Not after 3 years but sooner than 2 months.

Ammi, I try to breathe faith every moment, but I still need to grow. This faith should be reflected in my every thought, every moment, every cell of my body, every atom inside me, every inch of me, every breath of mine should carry this faith.

This should not waver, this should not alter, this should not flicker, this should not hesitate, this should not second guess, this should not bow down, this should not suspect, this should not doubt, this should not question, this should not weaken, this should not shrink, this should not lessen, this should not sleep - when ever you or anybody test this faith.

Ammi, by God's grace, love and blessings - and your love - I will grow - become stronger - and live this faith.

We will get together not later than end of Sep-2009. I have complete faith in this, in God and you. Ammi dearest, I love you very very much.

Please continue to test this faith. Doubt this faith, test test test till we both pass.

I was very hurt and sad after yesterday's call. But not anymore.

God has blessed us to live together and not apart. God will answer my prayers - I surrender to God and have complete faith.

Thank you God for bringing Ammi and me together - thank you for your blessings.

Thanks for Calling yesterday

2009-08-16T09:33:00.005+05:30

Ammi,

Thank you for the call. Thank God for everything.

Ammi, you again have taken a stance that we will unite only after 3 years.

That's not practical. And I really cannot live without you for that long.

Ammi, its either you or dust under the feet of Lord Shiva. That's my stance and that I have told you clearly. Give me Ammi or give me death is what I have laid at the feet of Lord Shiva. And this in the immediate future like in next 30-60 days maximum. Else Shiva, here I come.

Its meaningless and pointless to live without you. And I do not want to do that.

Ammi, I strongly believe that its our fate to get together soon and I have complete faith.

I have more faith in GOD and my belief than your dry words at this point - which I am sure is

the result of fear, fear due to your parent's constant torture, the low life environment around you.

Its understandable and I am deeply sorry that you are facing this every day. That's one of the main reason and motivation for me to urge you to join me at the earliest. I cannot bear to see you deteriorate in this condition. I cannot live Ammi without you - this is my final answer.

not for long.

Are you here?

2009-08-15T14:14:00.001+05:30

Ammi, I had written this on April-6-2009,

before our journey started.

Are you here?

Come here, Come here,
Lets light this lamp together;
Come here, Come here,
Lets walk these miles together.

Now you are here,
there is more that I want to see;
Now that you are here,
there is reason for me to breathe.

When you are here,
the world runs free
When you are here,
the wishes are three.

Will you be here?
When there is a here.
Will you be here?
When life is near

Are you here?
When you are here
Are you here?
When we are here

Fasting on Saturday

2009-08-15T12:44:00.005+05:30

Ammi, My Saturday Fasting is still on. I do not eat breakfast or dinner and only have one meal (lunch) during midday. Its been a year since I have been following this. Its a good exercise of will. I didn't eat properly yesterday and I skipped dinner yesterday night. So, I was very hungry today morning and was tempted to break my fasting and eat something. I resisted, strengthened my will didnt' have a single drop of water or bite of food. I just had my lunch now and my next food will be tomorrow morning. Ammi, true fast actually has got nothing to do with food, but with mind.
Fasting of the mind! when there is no entry for inputs from outside - we block all inputs either external or self generated. When will I reach that state? Hmmm I have begun with food fasting, slowly need to graduate to thought fasting.

Jai Hind - Happy independence Day

2009-08-15T10:39:00.004+05:30

Ammi dearest,

Today 63 years ago, our country got freedom from the clutches of British Empire.

When will you free yourself from your parent's clutches and join me? When is our freedom? When will we live freely? holding hands walking in the rain, watching the moon from our balcony. Ammi, I miss you.

Just like Gandhi's Sadhana, me too am putting all the efforts to free you and unite us at the earliest. The pain is unbearable and I really cannot live without you.

Just like India's inevitable fate to be free and grow - our fate is to unite and grow.

Wonder how many people had lost hope and fate during the freedom struggle......

Just like that struggle, this is exhausting, tests our faith.

Ammi, there is going to be a day - when we are free to roam the lands of Shiva.

That day - I pray, hope, believe is very near.

If we are destined

2009-08-14T11:11:00.006+05:30

Dearest Ammi,

Thanks to God and our fate, we have got together and we will unite again. So if we are predestined to live together happily, why am I sweating every day and running from one astrologer to another?

Because I want to know what I should do to make this happen. Its like this: You winning a lottery is part of your fate, but if you do not buy a lottery ticket, how will you win? Fate does not mean that everything will come to our feet while we are sleeping. What God and Fate gives or promises to give needs our humbleness, nourishment, effort, gratitude and a will to accept.

So, yes we are destined, as destined as Shiva and Parvati , but even they had to do Sadhana for their Union. Even their marriage was not uneventful. Part of the challenge for free will is to actualize what is in its fate. Fate may not mean automatic, but a huge favour and odds for that to happen.

So, Ammi, its our fate that we live together. When, how is left to our free will.

ಇಂದಿನಿಂದ ಶುಕ್ರವಾರ ವ್ರತ

2009-08-14T10:50:00.000+05:30

ಮಾರಮ್ಮನ ಗುಡಿ ಗೆ ನಿತ್ಯದಂತೆ ಇಂದು ಹೋಗಿದೆ, ತಾಯೇ ಸೊಗಸಾಗಿ ಕಾಣುತಿದ್ದರು. ನಿನಗೆ ತಾಯೀ ಶಕ್ತಿ, ಧೈರ್ಯ, ಪ್ರೀತಿ ತುಂಬಲ್ಲಿ ಎಂದು ಬೇಡಿಕೊಂಡೆ. ಅಲ್ಲಿನಿಂದ ಗಂಗಮ್ಮನ ದೇವಸ್ತನಕ್ಕೆ ಹೋದೆ, ಗಂಗಮ್ಮನೆಗೆ 50ಗ್ರಾಂ ಕುಂಕುಮ, 50ಗ್ರಾಂ ಹರಾಶೀನ, 1 ಸುಗಂಧರಾಜ ಹೂವಿನಹಾರ, 5 ರೂಪಾಯೀ ಕರ್ಪೂರ ಕೊಟ್ಟೆ. ದೇವಿಗೆ ಅಭಿಷೇಕ ಮಾಡುತಿದರು, ಹಾಲ್ಲು, ಜೇನುತುಪ್ಪ, ದೇವಿ ಸಂಬ್ರಂಭ ನೋಡಲ್ಲ್ಲು ಆನಂದ ಆಯೆತು. ಈ ವ್ರತ 5 ಶುಕ್ರವಾರ ಮಾಡಬೇಕು ಅಂತ ಹೇಳಿದಾರೆ. ಇಂಧಿನಿಂದ 5 ವಾರ ಅಂದರೆ ಸೆಪ್-11-2009ಗೆ, ಅಷ್ಟ್ರಲಿ ನೀನು ನಾನು ಸೇರುಥಿವೆ ಅಂತ ಹೇಳಿಧಾರೆ. ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನಿನ್ನ ಪಡೆಯಲು ನಾನು ಎಷ್ಟು ಪುಣ್ಯ, ನಾನು ಎಲಾ ವ್ರತ ಶ್ರಧೆ ಇಂದ ಮಾಡಿ, ಬೇಗ ಒಂದು ಆಗೋಣ. ಆ ದೇವಿ ನಿನಗೆ ಸದಾ ಶಕ್ತಿ, ಗಟ್ಟಿ ತನ್ನ, ಧೈರ್ಯ, ಸುಖ, ಶಾಂತಿ, ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಇಂದ ತುಂಬಿರಲ್ಲಿ ಅಂತ ನನ್ನ ಹೃದಯ ಆಳದಿಂದ ಬೇಡಿಕೊಳ್ಳುತೀನಿ. ಆ ದೇವಿ ನಮಿಬರನ್ನು ಬಹಳ ಬೇಗ ಒಂದು ಮಾಡಲಿ ಎಂದು ಸದಾ ಧ್ಯಾನ ಮಾಡುತೀನಿ. ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ದೇವರ ಕೃಪೆ ಇಂದ ನಾವು ಒಂದು ಆಗಿದಿವಿ, ಮತ್ತೆ ಕಂಡಿತಾ ಬೇಗ ಒಂದು ಆಗುತಿವಿ. ಇದೆ ದೇವರ ಇಚೆ.

Thanks to Divine Love and Divine Blessings of Alimghty Ther Malleshwara and Goddess Devi, I and Ammi are living very happily together at home by Aug-25-2009.

Dates to remember

2009-08-13T14:04:00.002+05:30

May-7-2009 - Day of our first great escape (Thanks Lord!)

May-8-2009 - Day we tied the knot (Thank you Lord, Thank you Ammi)

May-13-2009 - Day I left you back at your home with trust and faith (in God I trust)

May-19-2009 - Day of our second great escape (thank you, thank you GOD)

May-28-2009 - Day we got caught!! (God, where were you?)

May-29-2009 - Day I left you back again at your home with trust and faith (in God I trust)

Jun-27-2009 - Day I saw you again at your home (Thank you O! Lord)

Dates predictions

2009-08-13T13:49:00.012+05:30

(updated Sep-11-2009)

Dearest Ammi,

Following are the predictions I have from various sources listed date wise

1. Aug-17-2009 (Astrologer KA-1 - based on 21 days pooja Prediction on July-27-2009) FAILED

2. Aug-26-2009 (My own prediction based on......my belief and faith:: Prediction on June-11-2009) FAILED

3. Aug-31-2009 (Avva's prediction:: Prediction some time in July 2009) FAILED

4. Sep-11-2009 (Astrologer KA-2 - based on initial analysis:: Prediction some time in June 2009) FAILED

7. Sep-11-2009 (Astrologer RKP Prediction on Aug-13-2009) FAILED

8. Sep-16-2009 (Avva's prediction:: Prediction on Aug-19-2009)
10. Sep-25-2009 (Astrologer VB Prediction on Sep-3-2009 - 21 days)

5. Sep-28-2009 (Astrologer KA-3 - based on 63 days pooja Prediction on July-27-2009)
9. After Sep-15-2009 (MP's prediction:: Prediction on Aug-24-2009, will settle after 15 days)
11. Oct-22-2009 (Astrologer VB-2 Prediction on Sep-3-2009- or 48 days)

6. Nov-??-2009 (Astrologer TSV Prediction on Aug-13-2009)

Another day another astrologer

2009-08-13T11:39:00.003+05:30

Darling Ammi,

*sigh*, sorry. I confess I went to yet another astrologer today. Spent Rs 400. He did validate my thoughts though. He said the only possible way out is that we run and get together. And things will get better and settle sooner or later. So our union by God's grace is very certain. (why do I keep doubting and keeping running to more and more astrologers!!! argh!!). He also told me that the people at your house is torchering and making your life a living hell. Ammi darling, thats the reason I keep asking you to run and join me at the earliest. I can not withstand the pain you are going through. The only sad thing about this astrologer (lets call him TSV) it might take another 2-3 months. He said please do not wait beyond Nov-2009. So for Rs 400 (about 8$) I got a boost in my faith and belief. And also strengthened my resolve to run. Ammi, God works in mysterious ways. He knows what is right and wrong. We have human eyes and mind, what do we know about what is right and wrong? Lets follow his path, he will take care of us.

So, patience, faith, belief and eye on the goal.

Lots to learn: Faith-1

2009-08-13T11:13:00.007+05:30

Dearest Ammi,

The reason we are apart, is that we still have lot to learn. Once we learn those lessons, GOD will unite us. Here is small list of things that I think I still have to learn. First and foremost is to learn "faith". We know faith as a word, we know its meaning. But is faith just that? What is faith exactly. When we say we have faith in GOD. what does this mean? What should that translate to? How should we live once we have faith in GOD? What do we need to become once we have faith in GOD? Faith in God should become an energy within us. It should not just be a word, with its beautiful meaning. It should be our essence, it should be real. It should be strong, it should be part of us, it should be us. We should not hesitate to jump from 100 storey building (please do not do this..please do not do this) when we have faith in GOD. Complete faith also means - absolutely no doubt, no questions whatsoever. No questions and doubts - saying , what if it does not happen, what if God doesn't help, what if. THERE IS NO WHAT IFs, when you have faith. Faith takes over, where your chattering mind stops. Faith is not a result of your logical analysis, its not a result of debating mind. Its a character of a silent soul. I feel this, I have experienced this......but I struggle for its consistency. Why hasn't Faith taken me completely? Is it Fear? Fear eats everything, including faith.

How much do I trust God and have faith in God that he will really unite us one day? How much do I really believe in God?

Thanks for Calling

2009-08-13T10:30:00.005+05:30

Dear Ammi,

Thank Shiva, Thank you for calling me yesterday. You called me exactly after 7 days. I was very happy you called. But, but....but....Ammi, you did hurt me a lot yesterday in the call. The environment around you is harsh, its weakened you, its hurting you badly. Poor you, hurt me in return. You are loosing hope, you are loosing faith. You are loosing yourself. You are doubting me, our love and god. Ammi, we will get together soon. I feel very sad and hurt inside, that your parents and siblings are treating you this way. My Ammi is strong, brave and firm. But, I see that completely shaken. Ammi, please do not let them destroy you bit by bit. Ammi, please have faith, everything will turn out good. Ammi, I cannot and will not live without you. Please do not give up hope, please do not give up love. Yes, I am not speaking to you strongly about our love, because I wanted to let go a little bit and I did not want to add pressure from my end. But you are reading that as I am loosing interest in you. Ammi, even when I breathe last, my love for you will not diminish. Ammi, I need you very much. You said you do not want to get back together for 3 years or so. Ammi, I do not know if you are speaking like this because you are hurting very badly inside. Ammi, please have faith. Ammi, everything will turn out good. I will do everything possible till I am alive to get you back. Ammi, I love you very much. Please have faith in God and have faith in our love.

ಇಂದು ಗುರುವಾರ

2009-08-13T10:28:00.000+05:30

ಇಂದು ಗುರುವಾರ, ಎಂದಿನಂತೆ, ಬೆಳ್ಳಿಗೆ 6:30ಕೆ ಹರಲ್ಲಿ ಮರ ಸುತು ಹಾಕಿ, 7 ಸಾರಿ, ನಾಗರ ಕಲ್ಲಿಗೆ ಆರ್ದ ಲೀಟರ್ ಹಾಲ್ ಎರೆಧು, ಶಿವನ ದೇವಸ್ಥಾನೇಕ್ಕೆ ಹೋಗಿ, ಅಲ್ಲಿ ಇನ್ನೂ ಕಧಾ ಮುಚಿದ ದೇವರಿಗೆ ಪ್ರದಕ್ಷಿಣೆ ಹಾಕಿ. ಅಲ್ಲಿ ಇರುವ ನವಗ್ರಹಕೆ 9 ಪ್ರದಕ್ಷಿಣೆ ಹಾಕಿ. ಶನಿ ಜಪ ಮಾಡಿ, ಸೂರ್ಯ ಜಪ ಮಾಡಿ. ಮತ್ತೆ ಪಕ್ಕದಲ್ಲಿ ಇರುವ ಸೈ ಬಾಬ ಮಂದಿರಕೆ ಹೋಗಿ, ಅಲ್ಲಿ ಜಪ ಮಾಡಿ. ಮತ್ತೆ ಸ್ಕೂಟರ್ ಅಲಿ ದೇವಿ ಗುಡಿಗೆ ಹೋಗಿ, ದೇವಿಯ ಕ್ಷಮೆ ಕೇಳಿ . ಮತ್ತೆ ಇಂದು ದತ್ತತ್ರಾಯ ದೇವಸ್ಥಾನಕೆ ಹೋಗಿದ್ದೆ. ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನಿನ ನಾನು ಮತ್ತೆ ಪಡೆಯಲು ಎಲ್ಲ ಶ್ರಮ , ಎಲ್ಲ ದೇವರು, ಎಲ್ಲ ಪ್ರಯತ್ನ ಮಾಡುತೇನೆ. ಫಲ ಬೇಗ ಸಿಗಬಹುದು, ಇಲ್ಲ ತಡವಾಗಿ ಸಿಗಬಹುದು, ಆದರೆ ಕಂಡಿತಾ ಸಿಕ್ಕೇ ಸಿಗೊತೆ. ಇದು ನನ್ನ ಜೀವನದ ಮೇಲೆ ಆಣೆ. ನನಗೆ ಇರುವುದು ಎರಡೇ ದಾರಿ. ಒಂದು ನಿನ್ನ ಜೊತೆ ಸುಖವಾಗಿ ಜೀವನ ಮಾಡುವುದು, ಇನೊಂದು ಶಿವನ ಪಾದ ಸೇರುವುದು. ಇದು ಶಿವನ ಇಚೆ

Can't stop thinking of you

2009-08-12T14:37:00.003+05:30

Dearest Darling Ammi,

I cannot stop thinking of you. You are always on my mind. How can I live without you? How long do I need to wait to live with you again. How long to wait before I see you again? How long do I wait before I speak to you again. Its been 7 days since we spoke last. Ammi, I miss you.

Letting go

2009-08-12T11:57:00.004+05:30

Dearest Ammi,

Should I let you go? As they say. And wait for love to come back to me? I am leaning towards that. I am thinking, not to ask you to run away from home (again). I will not plead to join me at the earliest. I will wait. I will wait. I will wait. *sigh* this wait is painful. I will let you decide, when to get together with me. I have faith in GOD. And I hope, pray and wish that it will be soon. Ammi, I think I will let you go. Will stop obsessing about you and us from now on. Its painful, but I think necessary. And I don't think this will anyway reduce the love I have towards you. That cannot be shrunk ever. Ammi, I miss you very much. But, in front of GOD.....that's another story, I will keep praying and praying to bring us together soon. "Thanks to diving love and blessings of Shiva, I and Ammi are living together happily at home by Aug-25-2009"

ಮೊದಲ್ಲ ಸ್ಟಾನ ಶಿವನಿಗೆ

2009-08-08T17:16:00.002+05:30

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನಾವು ಸದಾಕರು, ನಾವು ಸದನೆ ಮಾಡೋದು ಬಹಾಳ್ಳ ಇದ್ದೇ ಕಣ್ಣೇ. ನಮ್ಮ ಗುರಿ ತಲುಪುವುದು ದೂರ ಇದೆ.  ನಾವು ಇಬ್ಬರು ದೂರ ಇದ್ದರು ಸಾದನೆ ಬಿಡಬಾರದು ಕಣ್ಣೇ. ಮೊದಲ್ಲ ಸ್ಟಾನ ಶಿವನಿಗೆ ಅಲ್ಲವೇ? ನಾವು ಸದಾ ಧ್ಯಾನ ದಲ್ಲಿ ಇರಬೇಕು. ನಮ್ಮ ಮನಸು ಮೌನದಲ್ಲಿ ಅರಳಬೇಕು ಕಣ್ಣೇ. ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ಶಿವನ ಮೇಲಿನ  ನಂಬಿಕೆ, ಸಮರ್ಪಣೆ, ಒಂದು ಶಕ್ತಿ ಆಗಿ ನಮ್ಮನ ಮೂಂದೆ, ಎತ್ತರಕೆ ಕರೆದುವಯ ಬೇಕು. ಶಿವನ ಪಾದದ ಮೇಲಿನ ಹೂವುಗಳು ನಾವು, ನಾವು ಸದಾ ಒಂದು, ನಾವು ಮತ್ತೆ ಕಂಡಿತಾ ಮತ್ತು ಬೇಗ ಒಂದು ಆಗುತಿವಿ ಕಣ್ಣೇ, ಅಮ್ಮಿ. ಅಮ್ಮಿ ನಾನು ನಿನ್ನ ತುಂಭ ಪ್ರೀತಿಸುತೇನೆ. ನನ್ನ ಎಲ್ಲ ಕಣ್ಣ ಕಣ್ಣ ದಲ್ಲಿ ನೀನೆ ತುಂಬೀದಿಯ ಕಣ್ಣೇ. ನಿನಗಾಗಿ ನಾನು ಶಬರಿಯ ತಾಳ್ಮೆ, ಪ್ರೀತಿ, ನಂಬಿಕೆ, ಆನಂದದಿಂದ ಕಾದಿರುತೇನೆ ಕಣ್ಣೇ.  ಐ ಲವ್ ಯೂ ಕಣ್ಣೇ, ನನ್ನ ಪುಟ್ಟ ಮರಿ.  

Your father's promise

2009-08-08T15:08:00.006+05:30

Ammi,

Your father made a promise to us. Will he keep his word? Will he unite us as he said, after I fulfill my words? Why is he hostile? Why is your sister torchering you? Do you know why these tests for us? I think GOD wants us to be stronger. He is testing our depth and strength of our love and commitment. There is lot for us to learn from this, there is lot to travel before the heal. Are you with me during these testing times? I am with you always during these tough days...... I love you deeply every moment. I can only pray now, I have faith in GOD. He will not let us down.

ದೇವರು ನಿನಗೆ ಶಕ್ತಿ ಕೊಡಲಿ

2009-08-08T12:36:00.002+05:30

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನಾನು ನಿನ್ನಗೆ ಸಮರ್ಪಣ್ಣೀ ಮಾಡಿದೆನೇ. ನೀನು ನನ್ನ ಬೇಗ ಸೇರು, ತಡವಾಗು ಸೇರು, ಏನೇ ಮಾಡು, ನಾನು ಯಾವಾಗಲು ನಿನ್ನವನು. ನೀನು ಮನಸು ಮಾಡಿದರೆ ಇವತ್ತೇ ನನ್ನ ಸೆರಬಹುದು. 

ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನಾನು ನಿನ್ನ ಬಹಾಳ್ಳ ಪ್ರೀತಿಸುತೇನೆ ಕಣ್ಣೇ. ನೀನು ಇಲ್ಲದೇ ಜೀವನ ಕಸ್ಟ ಕಣ್ಣೇ. ದೇವರು ನಿನಗೆ ಸದಾ ಶಕ್ತಿ ಕೊಡಲ್ಲಿ.  ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ಇದನ್ನು ಅಂದರೆ BLOG ಅನ್ನು ಯಾವಾಗ ಒದುಥಿಯ ಕಣ್ಣೇ? ನನ್ನ ಸೇರಿದ ಮೇಲಾ? ಅತವ ನೀನು ಕಾಲೇಜ್ಗೆ ಒದಗ್ಲ? ನಿನ್ನ ಅಪ್ಪ ಕಾಲೇಜ್ಗೆ ಕಳ್ಲ್ಸಿತುರೆ ಅಂತ ಬರವಸೆ ಇಲ್ಲ ಕಣ್ಣೇ. ನಾವು ಮತ್ತೆ ಒಡ್ಡಿ ಹೋಗುತಿವಿ ಅಂತ. ನೀನು ಮನಸು ಮಾಡಿದರೆ, ಬ್ರಹ್ಮ ಕೂಡ ತಡೆಯಲು ಸದ್ಯಾವಿಲ್ಲ ಕಣ್ಣೇ. ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನವಿಬ್ಬರು ಯಾವಾಗಲು ಜೊತೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಇರಬೇಕು ಕಣ್ಣೇ. ನಾನು ನೀನು ಓಡಿ ಬಾ ಅಂತ ಒತ್ತಾಯ ಮಾಡೋದಿಲ್ಲ, ಆದರೆ ನೀನು ಬಂದರೆ ನನಗೆ ಬಹಾಳ್ಳ ಕುಶಿ ಆಗುತೆ ಕಣ್ಣೇ. ಅಮ್ಮಿ, ನೀನು ನನ್ನ ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಅರ್ಥ ಮಾಡಿ ಕೊಂಡಿದೀಯ ಅಂತ ನಂಬಿದ್ನಿ ಕಣ್ಣೇ. 

For that one tomorrow

2009-08-08T12:10:00.003+05:30

There is one tomorrow, that I am waiting

when your head will rest on my shoulders

when your hand will hold my hand together

when your smile will light my heart altogether

When your eyes will shower love over me

when your words will sweeten the days we live

when your heart will beat next to mine

when your songs will echo in my ears

When your touch will soothen any pain I have

when your face will energize my every day

when your thoughts will fill my silence

when your love will lift me higher

when your presence will make my life........complete

Its been 71 days

2009-08-08T11:26:00.003+05:30

Dearest Ammi,

I love you very much. Its been 71 days since I left you back at your parents house. And 42 days since I saw you last. And 3 days since we spoke. I miss you very much, Ammi.

I have complete faith in GOD, that we will get back together soon.

"Thanks to the divine blessings and divine love of Almighty Ther Malleshwara, I and Ammi are living very happily together at home by August-25-2009"